Chestnut Report Part XIII - Special Report

"Nation, you're like a family.
That's why this year I'm claiming you all as dependents.
This is The Chestnut Report!"

Welcome back Wing Nation to part XIII of out XX part series, 'better know a Chestnut Wing'

Tonight, we bring you another Chestnut Report Special Repor(T):

OUR KIDS & OUR WINGS: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM?

Kids these days are wrong - just wrong. There's no sense of community, of the greater good or the importance of wings. They are the most coddled generation in our history, with knee pads, helmets, car seats, child safety caps and other (s)mothering influences destroying our little ones. How can these kids be prepared to be real hero's and eat suicide sauce when they are being spoon fed sweet and sour or honey garlic?

Here is a short list of things wrong with kids today:

• Watching the MTZ on their pocket youtubes and myspaces
• Getting the job, but not being able to do the job (or is that the other way around?)
• Arguing that with me
• Missing snacktime
• Eating the corn chips in class (Hey I can smell that mister!)
• Participating in the Dance Dance Revolution
• Smuggling tots into class via their secret pockets
• Their moms go to college
• No gumption
• Eating AND preferring Honey Garlic wings
• Not understanding 80's cartoons
• Those roller things in the back of shoes
• Not having to go up hill, both ways, without shoes to school in the dead of winter, and liking it
• Emo style
  

As Ricky Patel once said: "I was at a social and we got wings..and some guys wanted suicide...so we got them..and I ate some and said these aren't suicicide... and they agreed... then I said they're emo wings...they just pretend to be suicide..."

That's right, the kids of today can't even carry out what they say they are going to do. Simply put, the kids are not alright. What disturbs me most is, what is wrong with our Wings?

It was Thursday and again, the evil honey garlic were on the prowl. But also being served up was a new style of BBQ wings. What made them significantly different from the other wings that are normally served up were the green flecks of parsley. Parsley? And chicken wings? Isn't that some sort of vegetable . . .


What didn't work on these wings was the baked style once again. Mushy wings coupled with bbq sauce just led to a losing combination. Nation, no more baking - its not in our interest. Fire up the deep fryer and lets burn these babies!

I still ate 2 plate fulls though. Why, because I don't back down from bad wings. I'm not afraid to eat up and say thank you for giving me wings no matter what. Plus I knew that there were more wings at a party later tonight in the building I knew that things in the world couldn't be all bad.


Massive amounts of wings were waiting for me. Look at them. LOOK AT THEM!!! I was like a man who had caught a Leprechaun and beat him and he told me where his pot of gold is. But I kept my composure, and let the kiddies around me take their shot at this cauldron of awesomeness.

Once again, what is wrong with the kids? There was at least 15 of them standing around, munching on veggies and dip! No one was touching these wings. I thought we were having a national emergency of a health crisis in this country - but that must be wrong cuz no one was touching these pretty birds (I know it is wrong, not because of facts, but because I feel I am right). One malcontent was heard saying "ewwww, grossss" and yet another saying "I can't handle it!" - although the above statements might be coming from a few ladies on the On Notice board you might all remember.

The wings had a sweet BBQ smell to them, but they were clearly not the breaded blobs of previous in the day. But they did appear baked. [grimace]

I was excited to try them, but my wing companion of the evening, Medhat, had a different opinion.



His first reaction was "these aren't very good". What? Are you serious? This McDuck vault of wings not good? There were even sides of more BBQ and hot sauce to add to them!?

So I tore into them. My gosh, he was right. These wings ended up being even worse than the lunch time fiasco. The suffered from two fatal mistakes:

1. They were baked - baking wings just don't give it a strong crisp that wing deserves
2. They were sitting over heat, in sauce, for a long time. Resulting in overcooked, soggy but still tough wings
   

I was so sad. I looked at the giant pile of wings, and knowing there was another whole pot of them off around the corner, I cried a little. DON'T LOOK AT ME!!! I know I'm not supposed to cry, but to think that so many wings had been ruined and that so many were going to go to waste. I had to do something. I ran upstairs and got my wing safety net.

My Tupperware rescued dozens of these wings, and over the past few days, I have been remaking them with sauce and heat so that they are still edible. From all this I learned that two things needed to be dealt with.

Baking: YOU'RE ON NOTICE
Kids of Today: YOU'RE ON NOTICE TOO

That's it for the Report tonight, but before we go, I want to leave you with this thought: never thaw poultry products on the counter or in the sink without cold water. Bacteria can rapidly multiply at room temperature. The same thing goes for teenagers. Watch out!

Good night
Stay Strong, Be Brave Wing Nation.