Chestnut Report SPECIAL REPORT: Reporting on the Special Chestnut

TONIGHT:
I come back to the Chestnut to check on the wings since I left; yes, I came back the very next day, they thought I was a goner but I just couldn't stay away. Stop trying.

THEN:

David Kim sits down with me to eat some wings; will his eating skills be a 'Tip of the Hat' or a 'Wag of the Winger?' I'll give you a hint, the terrorists won.

AND:

Finally, the dangers of multi-tasking.

I guess I better stop being 'Awesome' and 'Fantastic'.

"Sorry, egg fans, it's the chicken.
End of argument.
This is The Chestnut Report!"

Welcome back to our special series, 'Better Know a Chestnut Wing'. Tonight we bring you: "A Chestnut Report SPECIAL REPORT: Reporting on the Special Chestnut Report." Yes, we are looking at how we are looking at reporting the Chestnut Wing, The Fight'n Chestnut.

It's been several months since we had a Chestnut Report, mainly due to the fact I don't live at the Chestnut anymore. It is very hard to review Chestnut chicken wings when I don't live there. But I came back, and upon my arrival not only was I greeted with wings, but 'Favourite Wing Son Award'. What an honour, that I suggested be created, in honour of me. But with that award and the support, I realized i needed to announce on this special night my candidacy:

"Hail to the Chicken, Wing King's Hot Wing 2008 Presidential Campaign"

High on the natural capsicum of popularity, I was ready to reach out to the voters. Campaigning for both sides of the issues, good wings or great wings, I was ready to grab power and serve the needs of the chicken electorate. I was ready to show my true colours: "that I believe in wings, that I believe the people who eat wings. I'm going to tell it. Strong; bold; Bam! I'll put it out there. Deal with it or get out of the way." I love the wing nation, almost as much as it loves me.

I sat down with friend and staff member David Kim to go over the campaign and the The Fight'n Chestnut . A terrible blow was struck though when Dave told me I didn't get the nomination. I told him:

"Well, thanks so much, give my best to the people of the Wing Nation, and tell the other candidates I will see them in hell. Having the honour of just making it thus far. I mean, its all for the best, I'm so busy with the blog, and eating wings and travelling around and hanging out with all those friends that I have. WHY!?!?!? Why don't you wan't me in your race? Fine its your loss! I had a lot of great ideas no no no, no its too late, no one gets to hear it. Fine, I sung the praises of your wings Chestnut, but that's it, no more."

Then Dave told me that I didn't get the nomination because there was no electoral race. Which leads us to our next segment: "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Winger"

WAG OF THE FINGER to David Kim for telling me I didn't get the nomination. It felt like being stabbed in the back with a broccoli spear.

A TIP OF THE HAT to David Kim for actually sitting down with me and having wings. Sure I may have lost the election that never was really happening and lost all the power I didn't really have

Another TIP OF THE HAT to Chestnut residence - for providing me with a giant plate of wings and suicide sauce. Big meaty wings, flavourful suicide sauce. But was it all a wing could be?



No. Thus another WAG OF THE FINGER to Chestnut for not serving crispy wings on this sitting. What happened? And you had gone through a bigger container of Honey Garlic sauce than suicide. Which leads us to

WAG OF THE FINGER back again to Dave, who admits "I like spicy food, but not spicy wings. I prefer honey garlic". NOOOOOOOOO! Dave, you're ON NOTICE!!!! You might have to even be added to my THREAT DOWN.

Now I didn't let the Honey Garlic menace to get me down, or the soft wings stop me from consuming a lot of wings. Sure, I could have just quit, but then I would be letting the terrorists win, and we can't have that Wing Nation.

I had to win, so I fought back with delish suicide, a sauce that wasn't afraid to by truthi about its flavour and its heat. Sure it could have been hotter, but the Honey Garlic hipsters would have been out forming a march or a sit in of sticky complaints.

When it comes down to it, you can have bad wings, or good wings done badly. Or good wings that went bad but then went bad, or bad good wings that might be good. Or bad. My point is this - make the wings crispier, get rid of the honey garlic. Dave, feel free to join me for wings again, but don't let me catch you with the honey garlic insurgency. And although I may not have won the Hail to the Chicken, Wing King's Hot Wing 2008 Presidential Campaign, I was happy just eating wings.

Hey. Nation, I'm having, too good a time to say good night. Lets have a deep talk over wings at a pub and then watch the sunrise. Too much? Too soon? Ya its cool. Good night.

CHESTNUT REPORT XX - THE FINAL REPORT

"Caution: Tonight's show may be a suffocation hazard, because
you can't poke holes in my arguments.
This is The Chestnut Report."

"This blog is an acquired taste.
If you don't like it, acquire some taste.
This is The Chestnut Report."

"If you like The Chestnut Report,
then you'll love what's coming next.
This is The Chestnut Report!"

Welcome back wing warriors. Its been over a month since the events of the following entry took place. Oh sure, you could say that I was just lazy. And you would be right. Well, actually just really really busy. And in mourning. Because what I bring you tonight is the end of the Chestnut Report, and part 1 of a 1 part series: The End of the Chestnut Report.

What's going on? Well way back when these photos were taken, school was almost out for most people. There was one more official wing night, a surprise wing night (cleaning out the freezer in the caf) and then, it was all over. With the coming of the summer, Chestnut Wings come to an end. Tonight's blog is a special memorial for the Wing Nation as we look at the last night of caf wings.

I know the suspense has been killing all my loyal readers out there about whats been happening to wings in the caf. I'm here to tell you, a month ago the wings were a rocking when I came a walking. These were the best wings of the year I have to say. Delightfully crunchy, baked well with nothing falling off, not what your honey garlic sweatanistas would like.

I was accompanied by the big brass at this dinner, with Dave, our wing hero of the past. Him and I battled it out over the wings but really, we fought for the same side: great wings.

One of the things that made these wings the best of the year was the suicide sauce. So very close to Buffalo style sauce, this orange-red mixture is truly my ALPHA MALE of the WEEK.

What more can I say - these wings were good, and the suicide makes it even that much better.

So wing nation, its with sad regret that I declare The Chestnut Report closed. No big bang, just big wings. Its been wonderful testing the wings every month in the caf and fighting the good fight. Being named Wing Eater of the Year in the caf has been such an honour. You may ask, "Wing King, did they really name you Wing Eater of the Year?" and I would have to say no. But they should. Write them, phone them, tell them everything I have done in the name of good wings.

Before we go, I'd like to end the night off with a new segment, EXTRA SPECIAL COMMENT, special opinion piece when I feel moved by wing current events in the caf, some sort of injustice that really gets my blood boiling. So here it goes:

WHY COULDN'T THE WINGS HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS ALL YEAR? PERFECT - NO HONEY GARLIC, AND SO FEW STUDENTS I COULD KEEP GOING UP FOR MORE WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT WINGS RUNNING OUT. AND WITHOUT THE STUDENTS, WHO DON'T APPRECIATE HOW GOOD THESE WINGS ARE, THERE IS LESS WASTE. THAT's RIGHT, WING WAR CRIMES WHERE PILES OF HALF-EATEN, OR NOT EVEN TOUCHED WINGS HIT THE GARBAGE. THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS AN INJUSTICE.

Good night

Stay Strong and Be Brave Wing Nation
Until we meet again . . . this reporT is closed . . .

Chestnut Report Part XIII - Special Report

"Nation, you're like a family.
That's why this year I'm claiming you all as dependents.
This is The Chestnut Report!"

Welcome back Wing Nation to part XIII of out XX part series, 'better know a Chestnut Wing'

Tonight, we bring you another Chestnut Report Special Repor(T):

OUR KIDS & OUR WINGS: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM?

Kids these days are wrong - just wrong. There's no sense of community, of the greater good or the importance of wings. They are the most coddled generation in our history, with knee pads, helmets, car seats, child safety caps and other (s)mothering influences destroying our little ones. How can these kids be prepared to be real hero's and eat suicide sauce when they are being spoon fed sweet and sour or honey garlic?

Here is a short list of things wrong with kids today:

• Watching the MTZ on their pocket youtubes and myspaces
• Getting the job, but not being able to do the job (or is that the other way around?)
• Arguing that with me
• Missing snacktime
• Eating the corn chips in class (Hey I can smell that mister!)
• Participating in the Dance Dance Revolution
• Smuggling tots into class via their secret pockets
• Their moms go to college
• No gumption
• Eating AND preferring Honey Garlic wings
• Not understanding 80's cartoons
• Those roller things in the back of shoes
• Not having to go up hill, both ways, without shoes to school in the dead of winter, and liking it
• Emo style
  

As Ricky Patel once said: "I was at a social and we got wings..and some guys wanted suicide...so we got them..and I ate some and said these aren't suicicide... and they agreed... then I said they're emo wings...they just pretend to be suicide..."

That's right, the kids of today can't even carry out what they say they are going to do. Simply put, the kids are not alright. What disturbs me most is, what is wrong with our Wings?

It was Thursday and again, the evil honey garlic were on the prowl. But also being served up was a new style of BBQ wings. What made them significantly different from the other wings that are normally served up were the green flecks of parsley. Parsley? And chicken wings? Isn't that some sort of vegetable . . .


What didn't work on these wings was the baked style once again. Mushy wings coupled with bbq sauce just led to a losing combination. Nation, no more baking - its not in our interest. Fire up the deep fryer and lets burn these babies!

I still ate 2 plate fulls though. Why, because I don't back down from bad wings. I'm not afraid to eat up and say thank you for giving me wings no matter what. Plus I knew that there were more wings at a party later tonight in the building I knew that things in the world couldn't be all bad.


Massive amounts of wings were waiting for me. Look at them. LOOK AT THEM!!! I was like a man who had caught a Leprechaun and beat him and he told me where his pot of gold is. But I kept my composure, and let the kiddies around me take their shot at this cauldron of awesomeness.

Once again, what is wrong with the kids? There was at least 15 of them standing around, munching on veggies and dip! No one was touching these wings. I thought we were having a national emergency of a health crisis in this country - but that must be wrong cuz no one was touching these pretty birds (I know it is wrong, not because of facts, but because I feel I am right). One malcontent was heard saying "ewwww, grossss" and yet another saying "I can't handle it!" - although the above statements might be coming from a few ladies on the On Notice board you might all remember.

The wings had a sweet BBQ smell to them, but they were clearly not the breaded blobs of previous in the day. But they did appear baked. [grimace]

I was excited to try them, but my wing companion of the evening, Medhat, had a different opinion.



His first reaction was "these aren't very good". What? Are you serious? This McDuck vault of wings not good? There were even sides of more BBQ and hot sauce to add to them!?

So I tore into them. My gosh, he was right. These wings ended up being even worse than the lunch time fiasco. The suffered from two fatal mistakes:

1. They were baked - baking wings just don't give it a strong crisp that wing deserves
2. They were sitting over heat, in sauce, for a long time. Resulting in overcooked, soggy but still tough wings
   

I was so sad. I looked at the giant pile of wings, and knowing there was another whole pot of them off around the corner, I cried a little. DON'T LOOK AT ME!!! I know I'm not supposed to cry, but to think that so many wings had been ruined and that so many were going to go to waste. I had to do something. I ran upstairs and got my wing safety net.

My Tupperware rescued dozens of these wings, and over the past few days, I have been remaking them with sauce and heat so that they are still edible. From all this I learned that two things needed to be dealt with.

Baking: YOU'RE ON NOTICE
Kids of Today: YOU'RE ON NOTICE TOO

That's it for the Report tonight, but before we go, I want to leave you with this thought: never thaw poultry products on the counter or in the sink without cold water. Bacteria can rapidly multiply at room temperature. The same thing goes for teenagers. Watch out!

Good night
Stay Strong, Be Brave Wing Nation.

Chestnut Report Part XII - Special Report

"Hey Wing Nation. I was thinking if you're not busy for the next half-hour, maybe you'd like to, I don't know, you know, read the blog? It's not a date or anything; we're just hanging out.

This is The Chestnut Report!"

Welcome back to Part XII of a XX part series, 'Better Know a Chestnut Wing'


Thanks for joining us tonight Wing Nation. Wednesday night brought us wings once again - with the Honey Garlic-free wings served in great quantity. These delectable chicken morsels were coming out relatively plain, but a vat of suicide sauce was available. Not a quick heat, but a slow burn, like our love of freedom, this suicide sauce had a great taste and orange alert colour to them. Now this is all well and good, but there were an alarming number of issues while eating these wings. I then realized that we needed to examine and scrutinized these un-patriotic wing behaviors. So tonight, we bring you:

A Chestnut Report Special Repor(T):
WINGIQUITTE - SOME KEY LESSONS ON WING EATING

The best way to learn to avoid these spicy faux pas is to see the bad example first, then the proper method.





1) CHOOSING WINGS


THE WRONG WAY: taking only 1 type of chicken, leaving the flappers, or the drumsticks. Be kind, take them all - if sharing that is.


THE RIGHT WAY: taking a nice balance of types - besides, both the drumsticks and the flappers have their advantages and disadvantages.


2) HOW TO EAT A WING

THE WRONG WAY: these are wings! They are not a gourmet food - a knife and fork is just a disgrace.

THE RIGHT WAY: just pick them up and enjoy. Are they messy? Yes. That's the way they are supposed to be.



3) FINISHING A CHICKEN WING

THE WRONG WAY: have you seen this on some one's plate? Can you see what I see? That's right, chicken on both ends. The wing is not a tree and you are not a beaver - you don't just mow down the middle.

THE RIGHT WAY: Cleaned.



4) BORROWING A WING


THE WRONG WAY: Don't. Just don't do it. Don't even ask to have one. Get your own.







THE RIGHT WAY: A plate to yourself - your wings are your wings. 2 Exceptions: a) you order as a group, (but you only get like 1-2 wings, so why?) b) your letting someone try the killer suicide and you want a good laugh.

5) WING GARBAGE

THE WRONG WAY: bones, napkins and scraps everywhere. Wings may not be a dainty food, but that doesn't mean you have to act like a brute.

THE RIGHT WAY: always have a wing bowl or extra plate on the side. This should be standard at restaurants.

Hopefully with these tips you can avoid a social error in the world of wings. That way I can get back to eating and not being angry.

Stay Strong, Be Brave Wing Nation.

Chestnut Report Part XI - Wings & Tacos

TONIGHT:

Baked vs Fried - we look into the pro's and con's of cafeteria wings.
Pro means good, right? Because I know Cons are criminals.

THEN:
Speaking of criminal, we'll continue our look at how Honey Garlic wings
are destroying lunch. If we don't watch out, dinner might be next.
WATCH OUT!

AND:

Jaco's Tacos - the perfect non-wing food?
No, that wasn't a sexual metaphor.


"Nation, It's time to grab the bull by the horns!
If there are no horns, you're grabbing a cow, stop it!
This is the Chestnut Report!"

Welcome back to Part XI of a XX part series, 'Better Know a Chestnut Wing'


Once again we look at the Chestnut Wing, The Fight'n Chestnut, and will continue until I live at another residence that makes chicken wings, or eat at a restaurant called Chestnut. Really the only options I have here.

The great debate brings us to how a chicken wing should be made. Cooked really, we all know how they are made even if we don't yet know if the egg or the chicken came first. Baked or Fried is the question at hand. Chestnut Bakes. Most restaurants fry. Why the bake? Well I don't know for sure, but I FEEL that its due to the fact they need to feed over 900 people wings, and you can bake a whole lot more in a giant ovens as opposed to deep frying a few in two deep fryers. That must be it, because I don't need facts. I go by how I feel. And I feel from the gut.

So which is better? Well they both have their pros and cons. Baked wings are healthier and you can cook more at a time. While this is all and good for some, what baking doesn't give you is the same crispy consistency that the deep fryer does. While Chestnut wings are better than many restaurants best attempts at frying a wing, they are easily soggy combined with the fact that the batter falls off because there is very little to keep it attached to the wings. Battered wings make for more crunch and puffed up size, but the texture and consistency of a baked wing doesn't hold up to a fried wing.

Now, this didn't stop me from having lots of baked wings. What did nearly stop me from enjoying my meal was the attack on decency and morality. Yes friends, I'm talking about the Honey Garlic attack on chicken.




I went up for another round of BBQ wings, only to be told all that was left was Honey Garlic. Frustrated but not defeated, I marched over to the condiment counter and concocted my hot sauce medley to defend against good taste. What I cannot understand is the people around me who willfully grab these sticky sacrilege. When you eat the Sweatinestas food, you are letting the terrorists win. Well that's it Honey Garlic: Your Dead To Me. I don't think you even exist anymore. Now you don't. And they shouldn't for you either.

I had to clean my palate and my mouth from something. I don't know what. If I had to say what it was, I would say Honey Garlic Wings, but they don't exist, so I don't know what it was in my mouth. But I still needed to have something relatively vegetable, so I took a bowl, filled it with carrot sticks from the salad bar, and put a drizzle of dressing to make a classic wing accompaniment.

It was a good meal. I was full but not stuffed - which was good because supper turned out to be a bonanza for my taste buds.

Jaco's Tacos, so named after the head Chef here at Chestnut. Tacos, like most Americanized or Tex-Mex Mexican food, are loved by almost all. This culinary enterprise that the people twice South of our border gave the world seriously makes me question the desire of Americans to build a giant wall to stop this from flooding across their boarders. Tex-Mex is great: its meat, its cheese, and some spice. Who wouldn't love that?

The assortment laid out includes the choices of meat or vegetarian mixture, refried beans, lettuce, 2 types of cheese, tomatos, salsa, guacamole, onion, green onion, sour cream, hot sauce and soft or hard shell tacos. That's a lot of choice. I don't think choice is good - it allows people to make wrong decisions, such as having vegetarian mixture instead of ground beef or choosing Honey Garlic wings over BBQ, if there was such a thing. No, choice only allows our enemies to win. Our only choice should be victory. And victory means we would all be eating tasty wings. Maybe the occasional taco too.

Good Night Wing Nation.

Chestnut Report Part X

"A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y?

Consonant or vowel, make up your mind, we're at war.
This is the Chestnut Report!"

Welcome back to Part X of a XX part series, 'Better Know a Chestnut Wing'

On tonight's blog, we are in THREAT DOWN mode. Once again, the sweetanistas have embolden the terrorists by bringing back Honey Garlic wings.

Wing Nation, we are under attack. These Honey Garlic extremists are trying to destroy all that we hold true in a wing. They are undermining our wing way of life and they might just not stop with wings.

Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job. We have to be aware of the enemy and how persuasive it can be. To best understand the enemy, I tried one. I know, I know, I know what your thinking: Wing King, have you defected? No Wing Nation, I took one of the Devil's own wing and tried it to better understand what I was truly up against.

I bit into one: I had a letter-bomb of sugar blow up in my mouth. Sticky and venomy, I almost cried at the waste of such a wing. But what the Honey Garlic extremists didn't know was that I was prepared for such an attack. They fell right into my trap.

Yes, I brought back up: home-made hot sauce. In a bowl I mixed the spiciest condiments available at the counter: Tabasco sauce, chili flakes, Red Rooster hot sauce (a Vietnamese hot sauce I don't know the name of), Trinidadian hot sauce as well as Worcestershire and HP sauce for some flavour. Mixed and spread over the wings, the Honey Garlic Insurgency was quickly defeated.

It was bold: spicy in burn both immediately and in after affect, but it also had flavour. I had worried that the kitchen-sink approach to sauces might fail miserably but victory was ours this day.

Also available on order to combat the Honey Garlic bad guys was BBQ wings. Now granted, they were not as good as the Wednesday night BBQ wings, but they were the best alternative out there the average citizen had open to them.

We must soldier on. If we stop eating spicy, flavourful wings - we are letting the terrorists win. Keep up the good fight.

Stay strong, be brave Wing Nation.